Being from a toxic family can have profound and lasting effects on one’s mental and emotional well-being. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards addressing the issues and seeking healthier relationships and environments.
They like putting you down
They never have anything positive to say about you. Instead, you constantly feel like they lack pride in you, especially when they should be supportive. They spend their days criticizing and even insulting you, which understandably leads to feelings of deep insecurity.
They gossip about you
The put-downs aren’t just to your face. Toxic family members often gossip about you behind your back because they lack the courage to say certain things directly. You may discover that they have been spreading negative, untruthful, and harmful rumors, usually with the intent to humiliate and embarrass you.
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You never feel like you’re enough
The constant put-downs and criticism will eventually and inevitably wear you down, affecting other areas of your life. You may feel like you are never enough for your toxic family members, and these feelings can spill over into your work life, making you feel like you’re never doing a good enough job. This insecurity might also extend to your friendships, where you feel like you’re not a good enough friend.
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You’re a people pleaser
So, because you don’t feel like you’re enough for your friends and at work, you resort to trying too hard and going above and beyond to please those around you. This might involve taking on extra tasks outside of your responsibilities or being available 24/7 for all of your friends.
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You wear yourself out looking after others
With this endless people-pleasing, you inevitably run out of time for yourself. You begin to feel absolutely exhausted because you have neglected your own well-being and health, sacrificing yourself for others. How can you help anyone else when you are feeling so worn out? The truth is: You can’t!
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You feel drained spending time with them
For many people, family gatherings are a regular part of life, especially for special occasions meant to celebrate and be merry. However, this often feels like a total facade because, in truth, you feel like these gatherings are absolutely draining the life out of you.
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They’re controlling
Toxic family members can leave you feeling completely neglected at times. However, they can also be unbearably overbearing, trying to control your entire life to the point where you feel like you can’t make a move without checking with them first!
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You feel worse after spending time with them
Being around toxic family members doesn’t make you feel good in any way. You leave their place feeling emotionally drained, absolutely exhausted, and immensely insecure. Throughout your time together, they’ve continuously put you down, crushing any confidence you may have developed away from them, leaving you feeling even worse after visiting them.
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You avoid them
Naturally, you find yourself avoiding them. You seek to put as much distance between yourself and your toxic family members as possible, and the more time that passes between each get-together, the better! This gives you a chance to regain some energy and confidence, until the next encounter.
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You develop anticipatory anxiety
We mention “until the next time” because there’s a significant chance of encountering them again. As a result, this becomes burdensome, and you might need to mentally prepare yourself for their presence. This buildup can lead to anticipatory anxiety, leaving you feeling tense, restless, and on edge.
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You want to be alone
These feelings may lead you to want to avoid all human contact. You’re on edge about seeing toxic family members, so you avoid them. You may also bite off more than you can chew at work, leading you to call in sick. Additionally, you might cancel plans with friends because you’re too exhausted to even contemplate leaving your house.
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You have trouble making friends
By avoiding all human contact, you might miss out on much-needed opportunities to make friends, which you desperately need. Consequently, you may not know what it’s like to have a good relationship with another person, and your past experiences can impact your trust in others.
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You have intimacy issues
You might even feel like you’ve lost the ability (if you ever had it) to make meaningful and intimate connections with others. Fearing that others might treat you the way your toxic family members did, you shut down and avoid forming new relationships.
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They’re highly critical
Nobody knows you as well as your family thinks they do, and you might feel this way too. They have known you throughout your life and have plenty to draw upon from your past. This can lead them to make harsh comments about everything from your appearance to your relationship status and even your life choices.
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You can’t make mistakes
With this constant criticism and your need to please everyone, you might feel like you can’t afford to make mistakes in any part of your life. Mistakes are a natural and crucial aspect of our lives, as we learn from them. However, you might feel that mistakes are unacceptable and harshly criticize yourself for even the smallest errors.
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They never congratulate you
They might not celebrate your successes either. If you achieve something you’re proud of, like winning a trophy, landing an amazing job, or any other accomplishment, they wouldn’t show up to your game, play, or graduation. They wouldn’t congratulate you or even acknowledge your success.
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They put themselves before you
So you might feel neglected. Your well-being, health, confidence, and sense of security were often overlooked. They always put their own interests before yours, and it showed in how they talked about their own successes and took care of themselves first, often neglecting your needs.
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You always felt inferior
You might have never felt particularly special. Constant criticism and negative talk would make anyone feel unimportant. You may have felt like you were always at the bottom of the pile when it came to having your basic needs met.
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You’ve felt unloved
With your basic needs unmet and never hearing anyone express pride in you, you may feel unloved by those meant to love you the most. However, this doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or doomed to the same fate. Friends can also love and support you—you just have to let them.
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You feel like you can’t use your voice
You may feel that the toxicity has stripped away your ability to speak up. Constant criticism and controlling behaviors can make you feel like it’s pointless to try to be heard, causing you to withdraw. Expressing your opinions or emotional and physical needs might feel impossible in such an environment.
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They gaslight you
You may find yourself doubting your own perception of events, even questioning your memory. This is precisely what they want—to make you doubt yourself. Toxic family members may employ this form of emotional abuse to the extent that you even question your sanity.
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They can be unpredictable
Feeling incredibly insecure can stem from not knowing how those around you will behave next. This uncertainty can manifest in various ways, from the lack of a routine to uncertainty about how they might react to something you confide in them or if you need help admitting a mistake.
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Their moods are difficult to gauge
With their unpredictable moods, navigating interactions with toxic family members can feel like walking on eggshells. While it’s often difficult to discern people’s true feelings, with toxic family members, you might find yourself constantly on guard, fearing that any wrong move could trigger a sudden and harsh reaction.
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They make threats
As a consequence of mistakes you’ve owned up to or when they’ve asked you to do something, toxic family members might make threats that seem unwarranted. Most of the time, these threats are just that—empty words—and they don’t usually follow through with them. However, because they are so unpredictable, you never know for sure.
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Punishments are unduly harsh
You might feel a sense of fear when contemplating owning up to a mistake. This fear could stem from experiencing unduly harsh punishments in your life—punishments that did not match the severity of the offense. Even for the smallest misdemeanors, you might have found yourself paying for them for an extended period.
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You feel insecure
Feeling insecure is a constant state for you. You never know where you stand with them, how they might react, or what they’ll do next. Their criticism leaves you feeling utterly insecure about yourself, impacting your confidence and your ability to assert yourself in areas where you once knew you excelled.
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They accuse you of things you didn’t do
They will often demand that you prove your innocence. Making false accusations, they spread misinformation to those around you, leaving you feeling compelled to justify your actions, explain the situation, or defend yourself against their unfounded claims.
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They don’t mind upsetting you
You may have felt deeply upset by the hurtful things toxic family members said to your face or behind your back. However, they appear to be utterly indifferent to your feelings. They show no remorse for their actions, even when you’re visibly upset. Your tears don’t deter them; in fact, they might even encourage them to continue their hurtful behavior.
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They don’t respect your boundaries
You may have always felt that family members weren’t there for you when you needed them the most. However, toxic family members can also be completely overbearing and controlling, leaving you feeling unable to express the need for space. You might not even feel like you have the freedom to make your own decisions or have your own opinions under their influence.
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You find it hard to seek support
With all these challenges to navigate, you might feel isolated and alone in the world. But that’s not the reality. There are people around you, whether close friends or mere acquaintances, who can provide the support you need. It might be difficult, but you just have to let them in and allow yourself to receive their help.
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They’ve physically hurt you
If your family has ever physically harmed you, whether in the past or present, it’s a clear sign that they are toxic. In such cases, seeking help and distancing yourself from the situation is crucial to ensure your safety and well-being.
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Or told you they would…
Even if your family has never physically harmed you, threats of violence are completely unacceptable and a significant red flag of a toxic family. Resorting to physical violence or threats of it to manipulate your actions is never acceptable behavior from family members or anyone else.
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They have completely unrealistic expectations of you
Expectations within a family can be healthy, but if they are unrealistic and unattainable, they set you up for failure. This not only damages your self-esteem but also makes you feel inadequate in the eyes of your family.
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There’s no one you can rely on
Family should ideally be your emotional support system, the people you can turn to in times of need, whether for a shoulder to cry on, a favor, or to share life experiences. However, in a toxic family situation, you may feel like there’s absolutely nobody you can rely on.
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You have no stability
In a family, there should ideally be a sense of stability, especially during childhood. Family members are the ones who should provide a feeling of stability and security. Without this foundation, life can feel highly unpredictable, which is often the case in toxic family environments.
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